Relationships are among the most difficult challenges we face in life. Unfortunately, we aren’t trained to get the joy we need to have in our relationships. Throughout our life, we learn how to face the difficulties we have in relationships. We suffer because we don’t know ourselves very well and we end up feeling victimized in every relationship we have. We go to school to learn subjects such as math and reading, but never to learn about self-esteem, self-love, anger, victimization, resent, jealousy, and how to improve ourselves in these respects.
To understand our significant others, we must first understand ourselves. Here are some of the few albeit important questions we must answer about ourselves:
“Why do I feel angry?”
““Why do I feel victimized?”
“Why do I feel resentful?”
“Why do I experience jealousy?”
“Why did my significant other(s) abandon me?”
“Why do I attract angry people into my life?”
“How do I improve all these challenges?”
To understand and improve these issues, we need to learn all we can about each of them.
Some of us have been severely damaged, perhaps to the point that we may not be able to overcome all these issues. Therefore, we will be unable to have a healthy relationship. Our early experiences in life help us to have a balanced or an unbalanced relationship; these initial events shape our ability to pass through the necessary obstacles in life and love. If we were severely abused (whether it was physical abuse, sexual abuse, neglect, or even psychological abuse), it might take years of trial-and-error to be in shape psychologically and emotionally. Only then can we have a balanced life and stable, healthy relationships.
This learning process has to be done throughout the course of our lives. The more issues we overcome, the better the romantic partner we attract. Yes, I said attract, because we are all dancing on the same dance floor, the same level, our partner is dancing on. This will be featured on the next update.
“Why do I feel angry?” The primary reason is because we did not receive unconditional love in childhood. Our parents did not know how to show us all the love and affection they felt for us properly. They felt it was always right for them to punish us or to yell at us. After all, nobody goes to school to learn how to be a parent. As a consequence, the parents end up frustrated by the burden of child-rearing. Most do not take an Anger Management class, so outbursts occur. These hurt the children, continuing the cycle of anger and rage. However, that is not to say that we as parents do not teach our children about life to the best of our abilities. We merely need to expand our potential and sense of responsibility as parents; we must forgive our parents and learn from their mistakes to break this cycle once and for all.
“Why do I feel victimized?” It is the most common way to cope with life. “I am a victim; therefore I am not responsible for my actions.” This operates on a subconscious level. When we have the humility to recognize we are partly responsible for the way others treat us, we become happier and confident. We learn to stop letting others mistreat us, and we learn to stop mistreating others.
“Why do I feel resentful?” Because of our feelings of victimization and our reluctance to accept responsibility for our own actions, we become resentful. The truth is that we all have flaws and aspects of ourselves on which we can improve. If we accept others and ourselves, along with both our imperfections and virtues, we free ourselves of resentment and allow ourselves to become happier people.
“Why do I experience jealousy?” We feel like we don’t have everything that we deserve. We don’t focus on our own life and issues. Seeing other people’s success and wealth while ignoring our own blessings spawns the monster that is jealousy. Focusing on oneself in a non-selfish manner is truly needed to experience the happiness we deserve.
“Why did my significant other(s) abandon me?” When we have a relationship, we are reliving situations we had in our childhood. If we feel victimized, we are taking that victimization into all of our relationships. When this emotional baggage brings disarray into these relationships, we feel betrayed.
In the next update, we will expand on resentments and forgiveness, two of the main focuses we will take in order to improve our lives.
Magda M Blanco,LIMHP,NCC
This is an excerpt of a book I am writing. All rights reserved.
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